buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
