You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
