I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
