he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
