Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
