I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
you never un-have a 4some
Randomize
