oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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