Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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