its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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