you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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