I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
