This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
