____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
