One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
