i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Randomize
