I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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