My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
