Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
You need a sexual gate keeper
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
