I've blown a few things in my day
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
