I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
