You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
