the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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