Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
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