I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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