remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
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