Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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