I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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