And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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