i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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