I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
