just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
