false alarm. still invincible.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
