I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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