Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
