ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
