if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
