I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
