the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
