I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
