Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
