When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
