just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
