hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
