I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I just want to make out with him forever
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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