So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
