I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
