Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
