Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
please don't ironically join a cult
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