I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
