I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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