i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
