I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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