I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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